Disappointment Stinks

      I have been looking forward to spring since December 26^th. As soon as Christmas is over, winter loses all the enchantment and wonder it briefly held and becomes an endless cycle of dreary skies and slushy sidewalks. Since we moved to our home in January, we were anticipating spring even more in order to have the chance to explore our new surroundings.  Fortunately for us, we moved to a location with a slightly milder climate and an earlier spring (at least compared to our Nebraska friends and family). 

      As our yard began to transform this year, I became even more excited at the possibility that both of the trees in our front yard would be flowering trees.  Each day, I would take the kids outside and we would inspect the buds, waiting patiently for the flowers to take their place. Soon, the day came.  The flowers began to open and the trees became my sign that spring had truly sprung. 

      A week later, while playing outside with the kids on a breezy afternoon, I couldn’t get over the noxious smell that seemed to be wafting our direction.  I courageously opened the trash cans thinking Jarod had inadvertently placed the fish remains from his last fishing escapade in one of the barrels.  Nothing.  I continued to sniff around our yard determined to find the source of this unflattering aroma, and you guessed it…my wonderfully beautiful, greatly anticipated symbol of spring was the culprit of the foul odor. (Not only that, but there were so many bees and flies swarming the tree that we could hear the buzzing noise a good 20 feet away!)

      I don’t know about you, but this tree business wasn’t my first disappointment in life and it certainly was not the most heartbreaking. I’ve been passed over for dates to school dances, I haven’t always made every team I’ve tried out for, and my dream to change the world through the title of Miss America never panned out, either.

      About a year and a half ago, Jarod and I sat in an exam room anxiously waiting to hear from a doctor.  In just a few short words, our hopes for our unborn baby were replaced with devastating disappointment and heartbreak.  Our baby had no heartbeat. 

      We were just a day and a half from announcing our pregnancy to our friends, to make it “facebook official” as the kids say.  In the weeks to come, we smiled and gave words of congratulations as four of our friends announced their pregnancies. 

      I’d be lying if I said I don’t ever wonder or question God about the loss of our baby.   I want some answer that justifies it all. The truth is I probably won’t get it because disappointment and heartbreak are part of our lives.  Sometimes it is felt in big ways; sometimes you smell it in a disappointing tree.  In any case, I have chosen to believe what is written in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

      I believe that even in the midst of disappointment and heartbreak, God is working.  Not only is he working, but he is working for my good.  Being passed up for a school dance made being chosen by my husband even sweeter.  Not making a team made me work harder, practice longer, and persevere. The loss of our sweet child made me put my faith into action, to intentionally choose to follow what I said I believed even when it was hard. 

      I’m still not sure what purpose that smelly old tree will serve, except to remind me that disappointments and heartbreak don’t have to be a waste.  Sometimes they really stink, but God is working…in all things.