I was recently
faced with the challenge to find a picture of myself before motherhood and then
was asked to consider who this girl was.
What were hopes and dreams, her aspirations? I laughed looking at a picture of this thin,
young girl all dressed up, ready for her senior homecoming. And while that opinionated girl came off as
fairly confident and a girl who “had her head on straight”, she only had vague
notions of the future; she had no idea who she was or what she wanted from
life.
 |
| Good ol' church camp...and slightly cropped top... 2004 really did rock, didn't it? |
So here I sit 10
years later still unsure of who this girl is.
I’ll be honest right now in telling you the “Christian” response to this
question of my identity really held little weight in my life. You know, the youth group answer that says, “your
identity is found in Christ”. For as
long as I’ve been a Christian, nearly my entire life, I can honestly say I had
no grasp on what that truly meant. Maybe
I missed that week in Sunday school or maybe I was too busy attempting to flirt
with some cute boy at church camp that day, but somehow I missed it.
So here I sit 10 years later and am
once again struggling with who I am…
For as long as I can remember, I
have lived up to the label given me. For
instance, my parents said I was a “good girl”, so I strived to be a good
girl. My teacher said I was a “gifted
student”, so I did my best to perfect my academics. For me, these labels were fantastic
motivators to always do better and strive to do my best, but they also became
what I used to define who I am. And let
me tell you something…I’m exhausted, ya’ll!
(I added the southern accent for emphasis.)
In the last 10 years, my labels
have been changed so frequently and rapidly that I can hardly figure out what
standard I’m living by anymore. I’ve gone from cheerleader to high school
graduate, undecided to education major, honor student to college graduate,
student to teacher…single to girlfriend, engaged to married, wife to mommy of
one, no two, whoops…three kids, mom to stay at home mom, Nebraskan to…well, let’s
not get carried away here. J You see what
I mean though? I’m tired. I can’t keep up…
The problem with my current
evaluation system, my current standard of knowing who I am is that my standard
is constantly changing. It’s hard to
meet an expectation that’s there one day and gone the next. What’s more is that I often can’t live up to
the standards that I’ve set for myself.
My identity in being a loving wife is abdicated when I snap at my
husband for being late or not immediately doing what I’ve asked him to do. My role as caring mother is terminated when I
impatiently respond to a tantrum or am too tired to read that book for the 82nd
time this week. I fail to live up to my
own expectations and then what?
Well then I’m left sitting here
contemplating who I really am. I failed
to live up to the standard of loving wife, so I guess I’m not a loving
wife. I’ve failed at being caring mom,
so I’m not a caring mom. I’ve failed to
be a loyal friend, talented homemaker, and so on and so on. I’m forced again to
face the reality…I don’t know who I am.
So, I read a book or blog or compare myself to the “perfect” woman of
the week and resolve to live up to this new set of standards that will surely
define me. It’s an endless cycle…one I’m
ready to break.
I had to face the question before
me—who am I when all of these things are stripped away? If all of these things are just pieces and
jobs and priorities I’ve held…who am I?
I decided to revisit the old Sunday
school standby. If the Sunday school
answer is always Jesus, this time didn’t prove any different. My identity is found in Christ. He set the standard I should strive for, the
expectations I really need to meet.
Sure, he’s given me the role of wife, mom, friend…but he’s also given me
guidelines for those jobs and he also knows these roles will change over
time. Which is why my true identity, who
I am at the core of my being cannot be defined by my busyness or my to-do lists
or my earthly relationships. My true
identity lies in who he created me to be. 2 Corinthians 1:21 says, “Now it is
God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on
us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to
come.” I am established, anointed, and
sealed by God. This verse resonated in
my soul (and also had me singing Stevie Wonder’s song Sign, Sealed, Delivered…). It gave me assurance and hope that God has
put his name on me, his seal, his approval.
Everything he intends for me to be is ultimately found in who Christ is. And because he has given me his Spirit, I am
capable of reaching that standard.
The good news is that even when I
fail, or forget who defines me, my failure doesn’t send me into a tail
spin. I recollect myself and set my eyes
back on the one standard that will not change.
Furthermore, the “deposit” part of that verse gives me hope and helps me
to remember that this life isn’t it…there is glory yet to come!
I am thankful that my identity is
in Christ, the one who stays the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow…and I’m
also thankful that I don’t suffer from the bi-monthly identity crisis I faced
in high school. Hallelujah, praise God
that I no longer have to decide between a crop top and flare jeans or crop top
and wide legged jeans…
