7 Things I Learned on Halloween...

                I’ve mentioned before how my mom in her manic-American-Christian-90s parenting stole much of my childhood, most of the fun parts anyway.  On that list was Halloween.  Because I was deprived of this essential rite of passage, I’ve had to overcome a pretty steep learning curve when it comes to allowing forcing my kids to participate in their own Halloween adventures.  Here is a list of the top 7 things I’ve learned about Halloween….

1)      It’s possible for you to ruin Halloween for your kids by not allowing your children to take part, but it’s equally probable that you will ruin Halloween by allowing your children to participate. You see, what my mom didn’t know is that by forbidding us to join, she was only creating a Halloween monster of her own.  My sister and I cannot go small when it comes to Halloween.  (My sister has actually declared it her favorite holiday…can you even, Mom?!)  We decorate over-the-top, we hand make over-the-top costumes (and I’m not just talking for our kids!), we strategize and plan and stress over that most sacred of nights (or not so sacred depending on which side of the Great Halloween Debate you fall on…bazinga!).    We spend so much time and energy making sure Halloween is fun for our kids that there is a really good chance our kids will grow to hate it and ban their kids from celebrating…someone has to break the cycle!!!  (And it won’t be me, so let’s hope my kids are more mature than I am.)

2)      Halloween is incomplete if someone doesn’t hate their costume.  It doesn’t matter if they begged, pleaded, cajoled, and bartered to get the costume they wanted. Inevitably, come Halloween they will hate it.  (Except in the case where I dressed our youngest as a chicken.  The only thing he begged and pleaded for was NOT to wear it! #totallyworthit)

3)      Which leads me to my next point…Halloween may actually be Satan’s holiday.  Who else would create a holiday where we are forced to put our children in elaborate costumes only to cover them up with a coat?  A friend of ours told a story of their daughter practically seizing on the floor because her parents told her she’d have to cover up her costume with a coat.  I don’t blame her!  Instead, why don’t we just tell our kids they can’t wear their coats, hats, and gloves until Halloween night.  It’s really a victory all around.  We don’t have to spend egregious amounts of money on a costume. (win!)  We don’t have to cover said costume up. (win!)  Our kids would look forward to wearing their coats, hats, & gloves. (win!) And, they’d actually be warm while going door-to-door begging strangers for candy.  (win, win, win!)  {You’re welcome and I may possibly announce my run for presidency in 2020!}

4)      If you feel a little guilty about celebrating a holiday deemed “un-Christian”, make it spiritual by praying a teenager answers the door.  Teenagers don’t want to be home on Halloween night.  In fact, if they’re handing out candy, chances are it’s a punishment and because teenagers are no fools, they know the sooner they get rid of all of this candy, the sooner their punishment is over.  Hence, when a teenager answers the door…jackpot!  They will be putting handfuls of delicacies in your children’s bags. (Bonus: if the parents no longer have little kids, they buy the good candy in an attempt to relive the good ol’ days of when they would take their own kids trick or treating…)

5)      NEVER, ever get stuck in a large group of trick or treaters.  First of all, they’re all in disguise making it easier to lose your kids.  (Also, when everyone dresses like Elsa and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle your chances of grabbing the correct child are even smaller.)  But mostly, in a large group, people get stingy.  They start to wonder if they’ll have enough or if they got to everyone’s bag and how many more big groups there are.  Keep your buddies limited and people focus on how cute that costume is and your adorable children and pretty soon they’re really filling that bag. 

6)      Yelling at your kids to say thank you is as good as them actually saying it.  When all is said and done, if you hear me yelling at my kids to use manners, you know that at the very least I’m trying to give them basic life skills.  It’s the thought that counts, right?!

7)      All those times your mom told you not to eat too much candy because you’d get sick…she was speaking from experience.  She had her own gut-ache from stealing all the good candy from your bag and she didn’t have the energy to listen to you whine about feeling sick too.  A person only has so much mental capacity to deal with pain and suffering. And let’s face it, when your shoving those fun-sized candy bars in as quickly as you can because a) you’re not about to let the good stuff be wasted on such unrefined palates b) you can’t take your time to slowly savor each bite when you’re chewing in fear that your five-year-old might bust you…you really aren’t feeling that good about yourself, no matter what the chocolate says. 

So, there you have it.  The top 7 things I’ve learned as an adult Halloweening.  I’ve vowed to take it down a notch next year, but let’s be real.  I will undoubtedly begin scouring the internet for costume ideas in March, search on Pinterest for Halloween food I’ll never actually make, and peruse the holiday aisles in an effort to destroy Halloween for my kids yet another year.

 

**In full disclosure—my mom has since apologized for ruining my childhood…well, at least Halloween.  (Love you, Mom!)