Confessions of the Temporarily Insane

I could feel the intensity of my emotions rising.  My daughter hadn’t slept well in days, which in turn meant I hadn’t slept well in days. Lunch was already an hour and a half late, my husband was seemingly oblivious to the fact that the baby in his arms was crying, needed to be fed, and that I was now announcing for the third time that lunch was finally ready. 

Side note: I should warn you that my family suffers from food-sleep deprivation syndrome (FSDS).  In layman’s terms, this simply means that when one has been deprived of either food or sleep for an extended period of time, short-tempers, dirty looks, and a landslide of emotions will quickly follow.  Deprivation of both food and sleep could have lethal consequences.

      As I took the baby from him, he made a comment about not being able to hear over a crying baby and then he did it…every wife knows what I’m about to say…he smirked! (Ok, that wasn’t what you thought I was going to say and in hind sight the next part of my story may qualify as an overreaction.)I couldn’t believe it, here I was doing everything and he thought this was a joking matter!

 …Didn’t he know how tired and overworked I was?  Doesn’t he understand how demanding it is to be a nursing mother?  He probably expects me to make sure Ronan gets fed, too.  How can he not see all of these toys lying around?  I am so sick of being the only responsible adult around here!...

And then it happened.  I completely erupted.  I opened with how irritating he was, how he seemed to enjoy getting on my nerves and I didn’t stop there.  I decided to let him have it.  At this point I believe I had an out of body experience, presumably due to the bout of FSDS I was suffering from.  I continued to yell, while nursing.  (Amazing how a mother can learn to do anything while breastfeeding.)  I vaguely remember challenging him to pick a fight with me.  I think I may have actually used the term “throw down” at some point. 

      Who was this completely irrational person yelling at her husband?  It couldn’t actually be me.  I’m a peacekeeper.  I dislike confrontation.  I make it a point not to address every issue I have with my husband in an effort to keep the peace. We have our occasional quarrel, but this was on a whole new level.

      Thankfully my husband hadn’t lost his mind that day, too. He just looked at me as if I’d grown horns.  (Which, maybe I did.  At this point, I’m still not completely sure as to all of the details of my 10 minute tirade.)  He chose not to engage me, was pretty patient, and even offered to talk it out.  It wasn’t until several days later that I realized what had actually happened.

 I am doing a bible study with a group of ladies from church based on Lysa TerKeurst’s book, “Unglued”.  (I’m not even halfway through it and I can tell you that I would highly recommend it. It’s very good!)  It is a book geared toward dealing with confrontation and emotions in the moment.  In this particular chapter, Lysa was addressing the four types of reactors she believes most people fall into.  (Lucky for my family I fall into all four categories.)  She discusses the exploders who shame themselves, exploders who blame others, the stuffers who kind of wallow in their pain, and the stuffers who collect retaliation rocks.

A stuffer who collects retaliation rocks is the person who pretends nothing is bothering them, stuffing their emotions.  In the process of stuffing their emotions, they are collecting all of these thoughts/feelings that will later be used as ammunition (proof) against someone.

 In trying to keep the peace with my husband, I was collecting a lot of negative emotions and thoughts rather than dealing with them.  And based on my reaction, I had collected quite an arsenal to use against him.  Turns out all I needed was the right, lethal combination to ignite the reaction.

I am working to find a more appropriate and godly way to express myself, but boy does it get frustrating! I am not ashamed to admit that I like “instant”.  I would prefer perfect, instant change, but unfortunately, there is no magic formula, prayer, or amount of chocolate that can change me overnight.  There is grace, though.  The same grace my husband extended to me in my moment of temporary insanity, and the same grace that God gives me when I hurl my hurts on the people He and I both love so dearly. So, I will continue to take steps in the right direction, even if I don’t do it perfectly.   Most importantly, I will keep a stash of emergency snacks on hand so as not to aggravate my “condition”.