Uncle Peter

      As I’ve been preparing for Easter, I find myself again deeply moved, overwhelmed with gratitude, and humbled by the sacrifice Jesus gave out of love for me (and you).  However, as I read through the Bible’s account of Jesus’s last days on Earth, another person captivated my heart this week.

      You remember Peter, right?  (The guy who jumped out of the safety of his boat, walked on water, and nearly drowned in a span of just a few minutes.) Scholars seem to have one common theme in describing Peter, impetuous. A less pretentious way to describe Peter’s style would be hotheaded, hastily rushing to action, emotionally charged. And there we have it, that strange connection I felt to Peter! Perhaps he is somewhere in my family tree.  Uncle Peter?  While it may be hard to believe, I tend to run a little on the impetuous side myself.  (GASP!—for dramatic effect and see last week’s post if you’re confused!) 

      I discovered something else about the connection between Peter and myself while reading through Luke’s account of Jesus’s final days.  If you remember correctly, Jesus and His disciples had gathered in the upper room of an anonymous man’s home to take part in the Passover.  During their fellowship, Jesus breaks bread and has wine with his disciples.  He communicates that these are their final moments together, there just isn’t much time left.

As their meal is winding down, Jesus turns to Peter and says, “Simon, Simon (Peter’s other name), Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

      “But he (Peter) replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death.”

      Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.” (Luke 22:31-34)

      I think Peter is being sincere here.  When you look at Peter’s highlight reel, his sincerity is evident.  In addition to his sincerity, I can relate to Peter’s fierce loyalty.  I feel bad shopping at a different grocery store for crying out loud!  (Which has proved to make our recent move slightly uncomfortable in that sense.)  I hate the thought of betraying those who count on me and I think Peter does too. I think Peter really believed and hoped he had what it would take to stand by Jesus no matter what.

      As we follow along in the story, we find out that Peter does betray Jesus.  Not once, not twice, but three times. Luke 22:60-62 says, “Peter replied, “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed.  The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter.  Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.”   

      Oh man, can I relate to Peter!  I’ve been there.  In all my passion, sincerity, and loyalty, I’ve still been the betrayer.  (Hey, sometimes it’s in my passion and sincerity that I betray the ones I’m most loyal to.  Again, see last week’s post.)  Just like Peter, I know how it feels to weep bitterly with regret.  I don’t know if you’ve ever been there, but can’t you just feel the heartbreak Peter is experiencing?  The regret?  The shame?

      Thank God, the story doesn’t end there.  We know the good news of Jesus’s resurrection three days later, but Peter’s story doesn’t end there, either.  You know how I know?  Go back and check out verse 32.  Jesus says, “But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.  And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”  Did you see that big important word there?  WHEN!!!  Jesus didn’t say, IF you turn back, he said when you turn back. I’m sure Peter didn’t catch this.  Heck, I didn’t catch it until a few days ago! 

I find such great hope in Peter’s story and in Jesus’s encouragement to him.  Jesus knew what was about to happen and yet He wanted to use Peter to strengthen other believers…after he messed up!  If Jesus could still use Peter, He can still use me!

I could end here, but I'm not. I actually found the most moving part of Peter's story at the end of the book of John.

"When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?"

"Yes, Lord," he said, you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

Again Jesus said, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"

He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."

The third time he said to him, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.  Very truly I say to you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."  Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God.  Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

Did you catch what Jesus did there?  Go back and take a look.  He asked Peter not once, not twice, but three times if Peter loved Him. I love how God redeemed that moment of betrayal.  He restored Peter through his own words.  This time, instead of words of betrayal, words of loyalty would define his story.  Peter went on to become one of the most influential people in the early church, strengthening his brothers.

I love Peter.  I love that God could redeem Peter.  I love that God can redeem me and my failures.  As you go through this weekend, I hope you too find hope that because Jesus died for your sins and because of the hope found in His resurrection, you too can be redeemed!

Happy Easter!

  

Confessions of the Temporarily Insane

I could feel the intensity of my emotions rising.  My daughter hadn’t slept well in days, which in turn meant I hadn’t slept well in days. Lunch was already an hour and a half late, my husband was seemingly oblivious to the fact that the baby in his arms was crying, needed to be fed, and that I was now announcing for the third time that lunch was finally ready. 

Side note: I should warn you that my family suffers from food-sleep deprivation syndrome (FSDS).  In layman’s terms, this simply means that when one has been deprived of either food or sleep for an extended period of time, short-tempers, dirty looks, and a landslide of emotions will quickly follow.  Deprivation of both food and sleep could have lethal consequences.

      As I took the baby from him, he made a comment about not being able to hear over a crying baby and then he did it…every wife knows what I’m about to say…he smirked! (Ok, that wasn’t what you thought I was going to say and in hind sight the next part of my story may qualify as an overreaction.)I couldn’t believe it, here I was doing everything and he thought this was a joking matter!

 …Didn’t he know how tired and overworked I was?  Doesn’t he understand how demanding it is to be a nursing mother?  He probably expects me to make sure Ronan gets fed, too.  How can he not see all of these toys lying around?  I am so sick of being the only responsible adult around here!...

And then it happened.  I completely erupted.  I opened with how irritating he was, how he seemed to enjoy getting on my nerves and I didn’t stop there.  I decided to let him have it.  At this point I believe I had an out of body experience, presumably due to the bout of FSDS I was suffering from.  I continued to yell, while nursing.  (Amazing how a mother can learn to do anything while breastfeeding.)  I vaguely remember challenging him to pick a fight with me.  I think I may have actually used the term “throw down” at some point. 

      Who was this completely irrational person yelling at her husband?  It couldn’t actually be me.  I’m a peacekeeper.  I dislike confrontation.  I make it a point not to address every issue I have with my husband in an effort to keep the peace. We have our occasional quarrel, but this was on a whole new level.

      Thankfully my husband hadn’t lost his mind that day, too. He just looked at me as if I’d grown horns.  (Which, maybe I did.  At this point, I’m still not completely sure as to all of the details of my 10 minute tirade.)  He chose not to engage me, was pretty patient, and even offered to talk it out.  It wasn’t until several days later that I realized what had actually happened.

 I am doing a bible study with a group of ladies from church based on Lysa TerKeurst’s book, “Unglued”.  (I’m not even halfway through it and I can tell you that I would highly recommend it. It’s very good!)  It is a book geared toward dealing with confrontation and emotions in the moment.  In this particular chapter, Lysa was addressing the four types of reactors she believes most people fall into.  (Lucky for my family I fall into all four categories.)  She discusses the exploders who shame themselves, exploders who blame others, the stuffers who kind of wallow in their pain, and the stuffers who collect retaliation rocks.

A stuffer who collects retaliation rocks is the person who pretends nothing is bothering them, stuffing their emotions.  In the process of stuffing their emotions, they are collecting all of these thoughts/feelings that will later be used as ammunition (proof) against someone.

 In trying to keep the peace with my husband, I was collecting a lot of negative emotions and thoughts rather than dealing with them.  And based on my reaction, I had collected quite an arsenal to use against him.  Turns out all I needed was the right, lethal combination to ignite the reaction.

I am working to find a more appropriate and godly way to express myself, but boy does it get frustrating! I am not ashamed to admit that I like “instant”.  I would prefer perfect, instant change, but unfortunately, there is no magic formula, prayer, or amount of chocolate that can change me overnight.  There is grace, though.  The same grace my husband extended to me in my moment of temporary insanity, and the same grace that God gives me when I hurl my hurts on the people He and I both love so dearly. So, I will continue to take steps in the right direction, even if I don’t do it perfectly.   Most importantly, I will keep a stash of emergency snacks on hand so as not to aggravate my “condition”. 

This Is It...

 This is it.  After debating with myself for quite some time, I have decided to join the blogging world.  I am both excited and filled with self-doubt as I begin this process. 

      I have enjoyed writing since childhood.  I remember being very young and creating elaborate stories on paper and sitting in great anticipation as I read them aloud for my mom.  She has always been the best at encouraging us in our interests and I was convinced through her encouragement that I had created some real masterpieces at the ripe old age of nine.  She has continued to offer that encouragement as I’ve grown up.  She is part of the reason I have decided to step in courage and begin this process. 

      I have no awards or recognition to give me credibility in this arena. In fact, I have never been part of journalism, yearbook, school newspaper, or any other club or organization to give me even the slightest bit of authority in writing.  (Unless you consider my induction to Mrs. Kluth’s “100 Club” in 12^th grade for a perfect score on my personal narrative paper in College Composition class.) I’m sure if you have read far enough into this introduction you have found misuse of commas and can see that I have a hard time distinguishing between the beginning and end of paragraphs.  I do know, however, the proper use of there/their/they’re and your/you’re, so you can find some hope in the public education system. I am simply writing because I enjoy being able to express my thoughts. (And because as a stay-at-home mom, sometimes I like the feeling of having a project bigger than changing diapers, buying groceries, and cleaning up generic Cheerios.)

      My self-doubt enters when I think of who will be reading my thoughts, dissecting them, and ultimately distorting what I truly mean.  Or worse, will anyone be reading?  I feel slightly egotistical assuming anyone but my mom will read what I have to say.  But, I have decided to test it out and see if maybe my grandma will read, too.

      At this point, I don’t know that this blog will be focused on anything specific.  I anticipate sharing my experiences in motherhood, marriage, faith, and life.  My hope is that at some point someone does read something that I've written and they walk away feeling lighthearted, encouraged, or if I’m really daring, changed. 

      So if you’re still reading, try to look past the things my imaginary editor missed and hear my heart.